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Jokes
Apr 24, 2007 20:21:41 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 24, 2007 20:21:41 GMT 10
There was a blonde a brunette and a red-head. They were lost in the forest, and were in need of shelter. So they came upon a shack, and knocked on the door, out came an Indian man. The ladies asked if they could stay with him for the night, and he replied "only if you get my dinner"
So the three girls set off to catch some food, the red-head went out first. She came back 5 minuites late, with a scratched elebow, and a black eye, but...she had a rabbit!
The girls asked how she did it. The red-head replied "Find the tracks, follow the tracks, kill the rabbit".
So next was the brunette. She set out, and came back 30 minuites later, with a broken arm, a black eye, and a bloody face, but..she had a Bear!!!!
The girls were stunned, that she got a bear, so they asked how she did it. The brunette responded "find the tracks, follow the tracks, kill the bear."
It seems as though this method was working, so the blonde went out to do what the other girls did. She left and came back 2 hours later, with a missing leg, no eyes, and an opened up skull, and no food what so ever.
They asked what happened, why she didn't brink back any food.
The blonde responded" Find the tracks, follow the tracks, get hit by the train."
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2007 20:26:46 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 24, 2007 20:26:46 GMT 10
A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2007 22:58:49 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Apr 24, 2007 22:58:49 GMT 10
lmfao!! dumb blonde.. and biggg one!
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2007 23:08:32 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 24, 2007 23:08:32 GMT 10
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.
The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'
Bill says, 'Well I got this magic lamp with a genie.'
So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?'
Bill says, 'Sure.' and hands him the lamp.
Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says, 'I want a million bucks'.
Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!
Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!'
Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?'
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2007 23:19:03 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 24, 2007 23:19:03 GMT 10
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2007 10:59:09 GMT 10
Post by kaida4eva on Apr 26, 2007 10:59:09 GMT 10
lol even though i am a girl that sounds funny to me not all women think that way XD lmao!
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2007 19:50:04 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 26, 2007 19:50:04 GMT 10
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. Welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Lion Air.
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.
This is flight 717 to Yogyakarta. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in Central Java.... And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Lion Air has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!
For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Garuda Indonesia, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
Smoking is prohibited in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."
Enjoy LION AIR !!
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2007 22:36:22 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Apr 28, 2007 22:36:22 GMT 10
lmfao. iam soo gonna fly that airlines!! whahaha lol
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2007 23:04:14 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 29, 2007 23:04:14 GMT 10
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2007 23:08:34 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 29, 2007 23:08:34 GMT 10
A japanese man with little proficiency in english travels to the americas to start a new life. He visits the bank and exchanges A million Yen for seven hundred thousand US dollars. Satisfied, The japanese man walked out into the land of opportuninty.
A few months later, the Japanese man returns to the bank to exchange more money. For trading in 1 million yen, he received five hundred thousand. Although the Japanese man had trouble with english, he surely could count. He told the banker, " This is not seven hunderedthousand dolla! Why do i get lower money?!"
The banker replied with, " Fluctuations"
The Japanese man Pissed off said, " Well, Fluck you Americans too."
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2007 23:09:33 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 29, 2007 23:09:33 GMT 10
What's the same thing in a PS3 and Michael Jackson?
They are both made out of plastic and little boys turn them on.
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2007 23:11:37 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 29, 2007 23:11:37 GMT 10
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2007 23:15:16 GMT 10
Post by steven on Apr 29, 2007 23:15:16 GMT 10
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Jokes
Apr 30, 2007 13:48:14 GMT 10
Post by kaida4eva on Apr 30, 2007 13:48:14 GMT 10
lmao!
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Jokes
Apr 30, 2007 20:49:56 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Apr 30, 2007 20:49:56 GMT 10
hahah ... that would be soo arkward!!! "No, I'm your son's teacher." haha
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