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Jokes
Mar 21, 2007 22:40:22 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 21, 2007 22:40:22 GMT 10
Put all your jokes here! I figured that Random stories should be your own anecdotes, so mebbe this section could have some jokes that make you laugh.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2007 20:59:47 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Mar 22, 2007 20:59:47 GMT 10
LMFAO......... my asss.. hahah thats a good one.. haha protection1!! hahaha eww guys doing it!! hahah to guys~~ ewww
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2007 21:49:34 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 22, 2007 21:49:34 GMT 10
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, " Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 17:31:58 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Mar 23, 2007 17:31:58 GMT 10
THATS A GOOD ONE. LOL.. NEXT TIME PUT THE DICK ON THE BOTTOM NOT ON TOP.. LOL
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 21:31:12 GMT 10
Post by steven on Mar 23, 2007 21:31:12 GMT 10
weird, only dirty jokes around these days eh? haha
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 21:54:25 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 23, 2007 21:54:25 GMT 10
lol yar >_> well the dick one isn't that dirty..
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 21:57:09 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 23, 2007 21:57:09 GMT 10
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
"What catch?" he asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2007 19:00:38 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 24, 2007 19:00:38 GMT 10
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right!
The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2007 19:41:53 GMT 10
Post by RaWR on Mar 24, 2007 19:41:53 GMT 10
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
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Lynn
great person
Posts: 75
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2007 21:17:39 GMT 10
Post by Lynn on Mar 24, 2007 21:17:39 GMT 10
Lol those are pretty funny xD
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2007 15:25:52 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Mar 25, 2007 15:25:52 GMT 10
haha rude and funni~~
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2007 18:43:09 GMT 10
Post by steven on Mar 31, 2007 18:43:09 GMT 10
Default girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2007 18:56:26 GMT 10
Post by steven on Mar 31, 2007 18:56:26 GMT 10
Postcards from Honeymoon
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2007 19:50:39 GMT 10
Post by Lei on Mar 31, 2007 19:50:39 GMT 10
hahahah...i dont get the condom one!!!
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2007 21:12:15 GMT 10
Post by steven on Mar 31, 2007 21:12:15 GMT 10
cos the guy is gonna have sex with the girl....whose dad is the pharmacist and the father taught him about sex get it?
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